turn off your plants before you go to bed

Scientists in California want to light up your life! With plants! Bioluminescent plants!

First, I should mention that “bioluminescent” is one of the best words EVER. I wish I could say it more often. I actually should just add it into conversations I’m having.

You: “How’s the weather today?”

Me: “BIOLUMINESCENT!”

You: “…I have to go…”

Me: “Good talk! Bye bioluminescent!” (Get it? Like “bye bye?” I’m funny. And clever.)

So these scientists want to add bioluminescence to plants! If they do this, you could read a book by the ficus! Knit next to the gardenia!

Not only that! But, if they do this in trees, we won’t need headlights! The roads will be lit by all the trees! Forests will never be dark again!

Good for safety; bad for flashlight tag. You won’t be able to hide very well.

Unfortunately, I’ve never been able to keep a plant alive for very long. I tried it a few times. It…did not go well. Even the bamboo, which they said was nearly impossible to kill.

I guess I’ll just read and knit in the dark.

Or buy a jellyfish.

I’m off to BIOLUMINESCENT!

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

robot revolution

Experts are pretty sure humans are done for. They say that robots will overtake us by 2100.

I don’t know if you think this is totally awesome or totally scary. I’m going to go with TOTALLY AWESOME!

Who cares if robots take over?! The world was getting so “human.” I mean, we all do these human things. Like work and move and stuff. What’s the point?

Once robots take over the world and start building new robots to replace old robots, we’ll be able to just sit and do NOTHING. How amazing will that be?!

We could be, like, pets to the robots! Do you ever look at your dog or your cat and think, “How loverly and lazily your life must be…ily! I wish that could be me…ily!”

Once robots take over, it CAN be you! We’ll play with balls of yarn and have automatic feeders and go for walks!

Instead of cat videos online, robots will post human videos of us doing crazy things! And do silly visual effects like adding lightsabers and stuff!

Okay…humans already do that without the aid of robots. I don’t know what that says about us…

Maybe they’ll build robot dragons and let me have one! That would be the coolest thing ever!

Now are you convinced to let the robots take over? I thought so. It’s going to be a good life.

I’m off to play with a ball of yarn.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

putting the magic in cicadas

There’s a lot of news about the “cicada onslaught” that is coming soon. Should you be worried?

YES! You should! These aren’t your ordinary cicadas! They are magicicadas! Called that because they know how to use MAGIC!

Cicadas are odd little bugs. They mate, then go underground and plot for 17 years (some for 13), then come back up and mate again. It’s really pretty cool. They varied their breeding enough that cicadas pop up almost every year.

BUT! Magicicadas are a special breed of cicada that have been to Hogwarts and grow under the whomping willow.

This year, they estimate that at least 30 million magicicadas will emerge on the east coast! If they climb on top of each other, they could make it to the moon and back! Which cicadas love to do!

How do they attract a mate? They shake their abdomen. It’s super loud.

When I shake my abdomen, it does not attract mates. It usually gets me arrested. It DOES work for magicicadas, though. Which makes me think that Justin Timberlake and Bruno Mars MIGHT be magicicadas.

On a slightly unrelated, but just as scary, note, giant snails have invaded Houston. So, even if you wanted to leave the east coast, you’ll probably bump into a giant snail.

And if you remember, snails have teeth and will eat your car. And sometimes they fly and will eat your plane (if you are trying to fly to the west coast).

I don’t have any proof of flying snails, but I’m sure snails dream about flying. Are there any flying, shelled creatures? If not, I should invent one. Like a flying turtle. Oh! I think I have a new favorite imaginary (soon maginary) animal!

I’m off to put my shell and wings on.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

like a fish out of water

Did you know there are fish that can live WITHOUT WATER?! They are called “snakeheads.”

Why are these things still called fish?!

They can live outside of water for days at a time! They go in water. Breathe. Then, they can just leave the water and visit friends and family for a weekend. And breathe the whole time!

Not only that, they also have no natural predators. NONE! Nothing can stop these things!

PLUS! They have these really sharp teeth that WILL eat you! So, they’re not really fish. More like Monsters of Eating People!

They are invading New York, but it’s only a matter of time before they take over the world! I’m sure once they learn how to drive, they’ll be able to set up Attack Forts at every pond and lake and stream they can find!

Then, once they have done that, the only safe place for humans will be the desert.

Unless the snakehead learns about irrigation techniques of the ancient Egyptians.

Oh no…I left my book “Irrigation Techniques of the Ancient Egyptians” in New York! Near a body of water!

This is bad. They might be able to irrigate their way to the library to get “Irrigation Techniques of the Ancient Egyptians Part Two: Walk A Nile In My Shoes.”

With all of this irrigation knowledge, even our stronghold in the desert won’t do us any good.

I’m sorry that I have to be the one to tell you about this. I know it’s scary, but I tell you now so we can plan for the future. A future without irrigation means a future without fear!

Or, we can just catch these snakeheads. Humans aren’t really a natural predator, but we can totally catch them. Like unnatural predators.

So…yeah…we could try that first.

I’m off to breathe in and out of water.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

not bear or bull

But monkey! It’s a monkey market!

I don’t know much (I know nothing) about stocks. I DO know that there are bears and bulls. Similar to my party last night (from what I remember).

Well, science and monkeys have given us more information about stocks! Actually, science and monkeys are pretty good at figuring out everything in the world.

Some researchers asked monkeys to pick their stocks. They also had fund managers pick some stocks. Guess who’s living in a tree made of gold now?

Yep! The monkeys! They picked the better stocks and used their billions to buy a gold and diamond forest filled with figs and bananas.

A very healthy diet. If you like potassium and fiber. And who doesn’t?!

I think there should be a movie about bears and bulls and monkeys. Like Kung Fu Panda meets Wall Street. OH! And there would be a Gecko! Because that’s already kinda there!

Why isn’t Disney/Pixar making more movies about stock trading? Seems like a silly decision to ignore the millions they could make in merchandising.

Like a bull in a suit. Or a monkey with an oak desk. A gecko in a jail cell.

ALL of them with Kung Fu action! Because, in my head, most stocks are traded after a Kung Fu fight.

Beware of my High Yield Attack! Finish him with the Capital Gains of Doom!

I’m off to diversify.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

planet looking for a good home

Do you think you have what it takes to care for a planet? Will you feed it, take it for walks, clean up after it, protect it from solar flares or attacks from Galactus?

If you think you can handle that responsibility, then have I got a planet for you!

A company called Uwingu is allowing YOU to adopt planets! You give them money for the adoption and they use that money for space research. I have NO idea what authority they have over the naming of planets.

Actually…none. The International Astronomical Union isn’t really taking these names seriously. So, I guess it just depends on who stays in business longer. Uwingu or IAU. (If you adopt a planet, you better hope it’s Uwingu!)

If I had a planet, I would name it Mogo. It would save the universe over and over again. Because that’s what a Green Lantern does. (That’s funny to somebody.)

Of course, if you don’t want to raise a planet, but would rather LIVE on it, you can buy land from some guy in Nevada!

Yes, he “claims” to have “claimed” the planets in our solar system AND the moon. Apparently, the Outer Space Treaty (which is real) says that nations cannot claim land on the planets. But it said nothing about private businesses. So this guy said, “I owns it.” in 1968 and, well, he now owns it.

600 million and 11 acres of the moon have been sold. For $19.99 an acre. 325 million acres have been sold on Mars. That’s a little more expensive at $22.49 an acre.

The lesson I learned today? I should totally claim that I own something completely ridiculous so I can make tons of money selling ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to people.

Oh, by the way, I own a magical land in the clouds with unicorn stables. So, if you’d like to buy one cloud-land, it’ll only cost you $100. Unicorn stables are $200.

You’re on your own trying to get there.

I’m off to make my millions.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

that’s a lot of limbs

Sometimes I wonder what goes on in the heads of animals used for research. Because sometimes Science does really cool stuff!

Have you ever heard of the coelacanth? It’s a pretty famous fish. They THOUGHT it died with the dinosaurs, but it totally didn’t! It was just relaxing in the Comoros Islands in the Indian Ocean!

And who can blame them?! I mean, if everybody I knew was going to go and extinct themselves, I would probably go and relax on some island somewhere and not be bothered by an extincting.

Once scientists found these fish, experiments HAD to happen! They found that some DNA in the fish “doesn’t code for proteins, but somehow turns genes on and off.”

I have no idea what that means, but when you put that DNA into mice, it can turn ON the genes that make limbs!

The article is strangely silent on whether the limbs were actually needed or not. I don’t know if these were mice that lost a limb and had it grown back OR if there are now mice with 7 legs and 4 tails.

Possibly a bread tail. (That is funny if you read what I wrote earlier this week. Well, maybe not FUNNY funny, but kinda funny.)

As exciting as this is, it’s also VERY scary. This is how Dr. Curt Connors became the Lizard. Well, with lizard DNA, not coelacanth.

Maybe if he did that, he’d become the Coelacanth. Not as easy to say. And maybe not as scary. Since he would be a fish and have to live underwater. I suppose he could attack people on the beach, but I think he would probably go relax at the Comoros Islands.

It’s too bad his research was so lizardy.

I’m off to grow some limbs.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez