gimme candy

It has been pointed out to me that every time I go shopping, I HAVE to walk down the candy aisle. The reason is this: I Love Candy. But I can’t eat it. Well, I can, but it’s bad for me.

I am addicted to candy. Unfortunately, as an adult, I am not allowed to eat it all the time. Also unfortunately, I should not have eaten it so much as a child. I can prove this showing you my teeth. About 40% of my mouth is actual tooth-stuff. The other 70% consists of stuff a dentist put in there to pretend to be teeth so I can still chew food. (It’s 70% because my teeth are so bad that an extra 10% of stuff had to be added “just in case.”)

If it wouldn’t kill me and make me lose teeth, I would live off candy. I truly believe I would be ok eating it for every meal. Every day. I mean, I would have cake and pie, too. I’m not crazy. I basically mean every sweet sugary treat is a meal.

I’m not really a soda fan, so I would drink water and coffee. I’ve become a fan of sparkling water lately. Because, you know, it’s water. WITH SPARKLES. (I wonder if I could make sparkling coffee?)

Since I can’t eat candy, I like to look at it. Which is kinda creepy for the candy.

Candy 1: “Oh no. Here comes that guy who just looks at us every week. What is his issue?”

Candy 2: “I don’t know. I wish he would stop watching us. It’s freaking me out!”

Candy 1: “Just buy something, man! Stop staring! Candy creeper!”

Sometimes, I accidentally do buy candy. Then I accidentally eat it all. It’s especially hard on Easter and Halloween. Because jelly beans and candy corn. Both items require multiple kinds of sugar. Like, you have to add sugar to sugar to sugar to make them.

I’m so happy that holiday candy comes out so early because I can look at it for months. I’m so unhappy that holiday candy comes out so early because it’s more likely that the candy will jump into my shopping cart and then force me to buy it and the bag will open when I get home and I will eat all the candy because it uses MIND CONTROL and DARK MAGIC.

I’m off to watch (accidentally eat all) the candy.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

sugar power

Virginia Tech has the smartest people ever. They have created a sugar battery. Did you hear me? A SUGAR BATTERY.

I mean, it’s so obvious! I’ve been powered by sugar since I was a toddler! Why didn’t I think of using it to keep my computer working?

Not only that, but it’s rechargeable! Guess what you have to do to make it work again.

Go ahead. I’ll wait.

GIVE IT MORE SUGAR!

That’s exactly how I work every day! This is so simple that it’s genius.

It’s not ready yet, though. I tried pouring sugar on my computer. Now I need a new computer.

Once it IS ready, there is one possible problem. I might eat my batteries. I have been told that batteries we use now are NOT edible. Like, so not edible that you could die if you eat them.

This is a problem for me. I like to just eat things. Because, you know, it’s there. You never know what could taste good!

Sugar batteries would be such a nice change. I could open up your phone and start licking the battery and it would be totally NOT weird!

When I did that yesterday at the store, the person in front of me totally freaked out. I have no idea why. It’s not like I was going to steal their phone. Just taste it a little.

I have been told many times that I need to work on my boundaries. And multiple other issues.

Sugar batteries could solve world energy problems and some socially awkward moments for me.

I’m off to recharge my batteries.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

going bananas for bananas

Did you know bananas are bad for monkeys? Would you ever have guessed that?!

A zoo in England is saying that bananas have too much sugar for monkeys. And the calorie count is too high. Because they eat human bananas.

I honestly had no idea that bananas were grown to please humans. We decided to breed them to be sweeter. I guess they started growing bananas and sugar cane in the same field and made the yummy treat we have today.

Editor’s Note: The science of that statement may or may not be true. Since it was completely made up.

Now that they are off the bananas, they are less aggressive. They also have “thicker and better” fur.

Should I stop eating bananas? I would LOVE thicker and better fur! Who doesn’t want that?!

I like bananas. I also like the word banana. I think it is one of the few fruits that can be used to describe something not fruit-related.

How did it happen that saying something is “bananas” meant that it’s crazy or wild? I’ve never seen a banana do anything crazy.

Maybe I’m just hanging out with the wrong bananas. (Get it? That’s funny because bananas are a hanging fruit!)

More fruits should mean other things. Peachy is a nice one. Why doesn’t apple mean anything?

Like, “No way! You beat Metroid?! That’s so apple!”

I’m going to start using that.

I’m off to have an apple day.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

pecan do it

That headline is funny if you pronounce “pecan” as “pee-can.” If you say “pih-kahn” or “pee-kahn,” then I’m not very clever. Let’s pretend I am very clever.

I just saw a shocking story. SHOCKING! The price of pecans is going up! Demand, bad weather, and pecan-stealing fairies have created the perfect economic storm!

I love pecan pie. It’s so good! If you’ve never had it, go buy one. Now. Get a real one, though. Like, REAL. It should taste like sugar and maple and pecan having a party in your mouth.

I was surprised how much I love pecan pie. Well, not TOO surprised. It is mostly sugar and if you put enough sugar on anything, it’s a good pie. Like sugar pie. You wouldn’t think that sugar alone would make a good pie, but put even MORE sugar on sugar, and you have a GREAT pie!

Why did the pecan get a pie? I love almonds and cashews. But they don’t have any pies, do they?

Oh! OH! OHHHHH! Wait! They do! After a quick search on the internet, I found a chocolate cashew and triple-almond pie WITH CHERRIES ON TOP!

Other nut-themed pies do NOT get the attention that pecan pie gets, but it sounds like they should! These sound fantastic!

I think I’m going to have a nut-themed pie party. Everybody will pick a nut. Then make a pie based on that nut. Then I will make t-shirts for everybody that says “I’m nuts about pies!” Or maybe “I’m pies about nuts!” Or both.

I’m going to have this celebration on Thanksgiving. Because that’s my favorite pie-based holiday. I know some people have turkey and stuff. I don’t know why. My family definitely celebrates it with pie. Lots and lots of pie.

Hopefully you don’t have a nut allergy. If you do…I’m so, so, so sorry. I will hold a moment of silence for you during my party. A moment to remember all the people who can’t have nuts without going on anaphylactic shock.

OR! I could serve EpiPens for dessert! So please come to the party anyway!

On a side note, ice cream pie also exists. Just thought you should know.

I’m off to nut some pies.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

veggies and cereal

I love experimenting with food. Some people think I’m picky. I’m not really. I test a lot of stuff out, then find one thing I REALLY like, then only eat that forever.

That’s not weird or anything.

I love to keep food simple! I don’t like spending a lot of time on it. I’ll often microwave frozen veggies, put some spices on them (I have a big collection of spices), and enjoy a flavorful feast!

My latest experiment involved cereal! I have no idea HOW I thought of this, but I did.

Actually, here’s what probably happened. I got excited about a new food and couldn’t wait to try it. I made the decision to eat it after something else was already made. Thus, veggies and cereal was born!

I bought a box of Mallow Oats. I know, you have NO idea what that is. I shop in the “Natural and Organic” section of the supermarket. There’s a company called “Mom’s Best.” Mallow Oats are basically Lucky Charms. But made using wind energy or something.

I was very excited to try my sugared-by-nature cereal, but already put some veggies in the microwave. Then, the wind energy powered light bulb went off over my head!

Put the cereal in the veggies! I mean, adding sweetness to veggies can’t be a bad idea, right?

Turns out, I WAS right! It’s really good! I know you think it’s gross, but it’s really not! Trust me! I tried it more than once just to be sure. I have confirmed its super-tastiness.

I also tried it with Mom’s Best version of Frosted Mini-Wheats. It wasn’t bad, but not as fun. That is all I have done at this point, but I have a feeling that some sort of Cinnamon cereal or Frosted Flakey cereal would also taste good.

OH! Maybe even some sort of Coco cereal!

Know why? The sugar! Natural or unnatural! You should try it! DO IT!

If you DO try it, let me know what’s good!

I’m off to cereal my veggies.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

tap that tree and leave

Maine has had an unusually large amount of sap stealing this year. Nobody knows why. Maybe because maple syrup sells for 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE!

I know! Did not know that until I read about the Maine problem. We complain about the price of gas all the time, but who cares?! Why are people still drilling for oil? There’s no money in that! The money is in the maple!

Also, little known fact, Vermont is the biggest maple syrup producer in these United States. Maine and New York are tied for second place.

What’s the deal here? What are people doing with this sap they’re stealing? Is there a black market for maple syrup? Is this like the honey laundering I read about last week? Are there people selling maple syrup in back alleys somewhere? To shady bees looking to spike their honey?

I can imagine that would be true. Because, again, 13 TIMES THE PRICE OF GASOLINE.

I wish I had a car that ran on maple syrup. Not because I want to spend that kind of money to fill it up. But I bet everything would smell like sugar. And I could start my car and sit in front of my tail pipe with pancakes every morning and not faint. Which is what happens now.

Editor’s Note: Do not sit in front of a tail pipe while the car is running. That is dangerous. And not maple syrupy at all.

Writer’s Note: I’m actually the editor of my own writing, so shouldn’t I listen to my own advice?

Editor’s Note: Yes.

Who started eating maple syrup, anyway? Did somebody see goo coming out of a tree and think, “Let me taste that!”

Because, really, that would be the LAST thought on my mind. Though, there’s not much on my mind. Maybe I spend too much time in front of the tail pipe.

I’m off to tap a tree. I hope it’s a maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez