robot hunting

Police in Florida have created robot deer! See, there’s a problem with people hunting out of season and this is their plan to solve it. The robots just sit there looking all deery and when a hunter (not following the hunting season laws) shoots it, the deer will transform into a police officer and arrest the hunter! (Transformation may not actually be true.)

The deer actually just sit there and cops jump out from trees and stuff to catch the hunters. Maybe the cops can transform into shrubbery.

Animals should really evolve into robots. I wonder why that hasn’t happened yet? I mean, being a transforming robot is WAY better camouflage than being brown or having spots or having great hair.

Have you ever tried to hunt a brown animal in a forest of green trees? It’s so easy!

Trust me, I should know. I was a robot hunter for years in the Andes. Don’t worry, I only hunted evil robots during the appropriate evil robot hunting season.

But it was hard! These huge monster-bots could transform into adorable creatures like baby penguins and corgis!

Luckily, being the keen hunter that I am, I knew that corgis and baby penguins didn’t hang out in the Andes. Inside sinister buildings. With mutant crocodiles and chainsaw fences. And hostages.

I was once tricked by a baby seal that could transform into a death trap. But that’s the sort of risk I take. You don’t accept this job thinking it will be a cakewalk.

Though, the ad DID say “Cakewalkers Needed.” And with my years of experience as a cakewalker, I totally thought I was qualified.

Now I can walk on a cake and take out an evil chinchilla-bot from 5,000 meters on a Sunday afternoon with a 50% chance of rain.

I’m dangerous like that.

I’m off to transform into a deer.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

reverse my mortgage

I saw a commercial the other day for a reverse mortgage. I don’t remember what I was watching, but it was very late at night when I couldn’t sleep. Also, I was taking medication for allergies. So the whole night is sorta blurry and fuzzy and pinkish.

I’m pretty sure this commercial was real. I also did a search online for reverse mortgages and found out that they do exist!

The commercial said that you don’t pay your mortgage anymore. They pay YOU the monthly mortgage! And you still own your home!

Why isn’t everybody doing this?! I’m no genius, but if somebody says that they’ll give me the title to a house AND pay me the monthly mortgage payments, I’m going to take that deal!

You know what else should be reversed? My electric bill. That would be awesome. The electric company should be paying me to use their electricity! They should be thanking me taking all that electricity off their hands!

I mean, really, what are they going to do with it? Shock stuff? If I didn’t siphon all that electricity away from them to power my electric razor and electric toothbrush and electric spoon and electric chair and electric door and electric soap, things might just explode!

I’m doing THEM a favor!

Oh! I have an idea! I’m going buy, like, 67 houses and turn all the lights and vacuums and microwaves on and stuff!

I’ll make TONS of money! Just sitting around doing nothing!

Then, I’ll make a DVD that I’ll sell on TV telling people how they can get rich just like me!

Then I’ll buy a yacht and sail the world with a bunch of friendly chinchilla pirates who love to count money and eat baby carrots!

I know that earlier I said, “I’m no genius.” Strike that. Reverse it. I’m totally a genius.

I’m off to take more allergy meds.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez