aliens love visiting us

Have you ever heard of Paul Hellyer? He was the Canadian Minister of National Defense in the 1960s. He says that “at least 4 known alien species have been visiting Earth for thousands of years.”

That’s right! I guess he’s been talking about it for years, but for some reason people aren’t buying it.

How could you NOT?! He was a minister! Of defense! He probably had lunch with aliens all the time!

He said that there’s a whole federation of aliens out there that are generally good folks. But they won’t interfere with species that aren’t in their federation.

Yes, I know, he stole the premise of Star Trek and the Prime Directive. But still! That doesn’t mean it’s not true!

So they just watch us from one of Saturn’s moons to see what we do next. Because that’s where they hang out. I don’t know why.

He also said that aliens have visited and offered to help us take care of the planet. They won’t force us to do anything because, you know, the Prime Directive, but they are worried about how we treat the planet. So they came by years ago and said, “Hey, we see that you’re kinda messing up this nice place. We would love to help out. Saturn’s moons are pretty bland. We would much rather use this planet as a vacation spot. I mean, just look at Aruba!”

That may or may not have been the EXACT transcript. I wasn’t there. But I’m a pretty good maker-upper of totally accurate history.

Oh! And he also says that there are two species of aliens on Earth RIGHT NOW. They have jobs in the United States government!

Lucky. Do you know the benefits you get with a government job?! They probably get to use the government’s spaceships for free and just have to log the light years.

Why can’t I be an alien? Are there any government positions open on Saturn’s moons? I’m willing to travel.

I’m off to check the Titan section of craigslist.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

canada lost some gravity

Turns out the Hudson Bay in Canada misplaced some of its gravity. It’s true! They’re not quite as serious as the rest of the world!

HA! That’s funny. Sort of.

Anyway, this lack of gravity IS real. I guess if you weighed 150 pounds here, you would lose 1/10th of an ounce on the Hudson Bay.

It has something to do with Ice Age glaciers and magma. It created an area with less mass making your gravitational pull there slightly weaker.

The actual studies are pretty cool and have to do with some satellites measuring gravity while cruising around the Earth. Yes! Stuff in space is measuring your weight to the tenth of an ounce! How cool is that?!

That’s like me looking at a fruit fly and telling you what it’s thinking every second!

They think about fruit most of the time. Sometimes they think about their short time on this planet and hope to do something of value with the few days they have to experience a sunrise and love and how they can make the world a better place to live and try to make their children happy.

Then they just think about fruit again.

Now, if you want to weigh a tiny bit less, you could move there. But it’s not super warm. The average temperature is -5 degrees Celsius. That’s, like, 23 degrees Fahrenheit.

You’ll have to wear 50 heavy jackets, but the lack of gravity will make them feel slightly lighter!

And if you’re trying to cut back on your salt intake, the Hudson Bay might be for you! The bay’s water has a lower salinity level.

You know, because without the gravity keeping that salt in the water, it just floats away into space. (That is not a scientifically accurate explanation why.)

Also, as a side note, gravity is lighter in my car. I know that because my radio clock keeps speeding up. Clearly the only explanation is gravitational time dilation. And my many travels to the Hudson Bay.

I’m off to think about fruit.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

go home text, you’re drunk

Scientists in Canada have successfully sent a text message…using vodka! This is totally true!

Now you don’t even have to drink to send a drunken text message! “Science: Making texts from last night more efficient!”

They texted “O Canada” across a room. 4 meters in fact! If you don’t know what a meter is, it’s like a Canadian yardstick.

They entered the letters. Then used a spray bottle full of vodka to spray the text in binary code. Then a little fan got the vodka across the room to the receiver.

I never said it was high tech. They only had $100 and a bottle of vodka. It’s not like anybody was going to fund this project.

Though, I know people who would have a VERY different night if they only had $100 and a bottle of vodka.

At least with the Canadian scientists, I don’t have to pick them up from the carousel at the county fair at 3AM.

This all leads me to believe that Canada needs better mobile phone service. I don’t know what Verizon or ATT are doing, but they clearly aren’t putting up enough towers there.

But if Absolut needs a business partner, I’m pretty sure that we’d do pretty well setting up a bunch of cell towers that sprayed vodka.

I’m off to pick up my friend. He’s stuck in a trunk. An elephant’s trunk. Again.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

doorknobs and broomsticks

I had no idea that doorknobs were complicated objects…in Canada.

In Vancouver, the town has decided that every building should only be opened with levers INSTEAD of knobs.

And while both words are fun to say, Vancouver isn’t big enough for both of them. Even though it IS the eighth largest municipality in Canada. The seventh largest, Winnipeg, is still big enough for both knobs and levers. Brampton, on the other hand, at ninth largest, doesn’t even know what a knob is.

They might not even know what a door is. I never asked.

So why the big hoopla over doorknobs?! I guess people don’t like them. Some find them hard to use. I don’t know what’s going on in Canada to make doorknobs hard to turn, but somebody MIGHT be making them incorrectly.

What I do agree with is the decision to change all sinks and shower faucets as well. Because if I had a doorknob on those, it might be hard to turn when things get wet. Which sometimes happens around sinks and showers.

Well, at my sink and shower. I don’t know what YOU do around your sinks and showers, but I have lots of water.

Perhaps you just use sand. In that case, turning shouldn’t be a problem.

So unless Vancouverinians are making doorknobs out of butter and grease, they should be ok.

Oh…they are? Really? That’s…an odd choice for doorknob material.

Well then! Problem solved! Let’s lever this place up!

I’m off to turn the knob.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

shoot my suit

Is being a professional-type person dangerous? I don’t really know what “professional” people do. I know they wear suits. I know this because I’ve seen it on TV.

See, on TV, people put on suits and carry leather lunch boxes (which, for some reason, contain papers and boring stuff instead of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches) to an office where they sit and look at computers.

It never SEEMED dangerous. But it must be! Some guy in Canada (yay Canada!) made a suit using carbon nanotubes under the fabric to make the suit bulletproof! It can stop bullets and knife blades.

What is going on at your office?! I’ve heard that business can be a “dog eat dog” world, but really, stop making paper clips into shivs! This is not civilized behavior!

I suppose this would be good if you’re a spy like James Bond.

If this IS an issue, why only suits? I understand women can also wear suits, but it seems like they should also have more female-oriented fashions. Unless women don’t shoot each other at work.

I DO know that Black Widow would probably wear something like this. Maybe some evening wear.

Luckily, I don’t have this problem at work. If I did, I would ask for a bulletproof cardigan and cargo pants.

Yes, I only wear clothes that begin with the letter C. C is for Cool. And I’m Cool like that.

It’s too bad bulletproof clothes can’t protect you from bad, alphabetical jokes.

Maybe I’ll become a comedian and ONLY do alphabetical jokes. It will be funny (no, it won’t) AND educational for toddlers!

OH! I just thought of something! Bulletproof mittens! So I can catch bullets! How awesome would that be!

I’m off to learn the alphabet.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

more canadian currency

Canada has this annoying habit of being TOTALLY AWESOME ALL THE TIME.

A brief recap on why I love Canada. Amazing candy and fun money. And NOW they are making money even more funner!

Recently they made a glow-in-the-dark dinosaur quarter and Superman coins. I know what you’re thinking, “Five of my most favoritest things are dinosaurs, space, Superman, robots, and unicorns.”

Well, Canada is bringing more of your favorite things to you! Not just one, but TWO!

The new $5 note will have robots IN SPACE. They made robot arms for the International Space Station and they will be pictured on the bill.

The arms have names, too. One is Dextre (the Canadian spelling of Dexter), and the other is Canadarm2. It’s a clever mash-up of the words “Canada” and “arm.” And since Canadians have two arms, there is a 2.

These space robots are on the new $5 bill! Once they do a unicorn bill, I WILL move to Canada and spend lots of money!

It will be so much fun!

Clerk: “That awesome candy will cost one space robot, a Superman, and a dinosaur.”

Me: “Can you break a unicorn?”

Clerk: “Is a maple syrup?!”

Me: “I have no idea what that means, but I’m gonna say yes!”

Oh, and if trains are on your list of favorite things, you’ll be happy to know that the $10 bill has a train on it. I’m not a huge train person, but I do know a meteorologist and a chemical engineer who are BOTH railfans. So they may also enjoy Canada.

I’m off to syrup my maple.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

candy, catsup, coins, and canada

What’s up with this?! How come all the good stuff happens in Canada?!

Seriously. I mean, I’ve praised Canada a million times for the amazing candy they sell there.

Sugar is practically the major food group in these United States! (At least, it is for me. It should be for you, too.) But for some reason, you can’t find a Wunderbar or a Coffee Crisp here. I have NO idea why.

Editor’s Note: If you never had a Wunderbar, find one. Imagine a Butterfinger and a Caramello having a baby. THAT is a Wunderbar. Also known as heaven.

Another Editor’s Note: It’s not a real baby. Don’t eat babies.

If we’re not eating candy, we’re probably having potato chips. Lately, I’ve seen more and more catsup/ketchup chips in the United States. But I couldn’t find them for years. And even now that I CAN find them, none taste as good as the Canadian ones.

It’s weird that it took so long. I mean, we put catsup/ketchup on fries all the time. Why not chips?

But I digress. More than usual. The REAL reason I’m alliterating my headline comes down to money. Specifically…coins. Even morer specificallyer…Superman.

Canada is minting Superman coins! For his 75th birthday! Why isn’t the United States doing this?

If you don’t know, Superman was created by Jerry Siegel and Joe Shuster. Joe was born in Toronto, but Jerry was born in Cleveland! And Superman was created in Cleveland!

I think it’s only fitting to put Superman on every denomination of our currency. Presidents on bills are lame. Supermans on bills is AWESOME.

Can I order Superman coins from Canada? Sure. Would I rather get Superman from my ATM. YES!

At least Canada knows how to mint money!

I’m off to make it minter.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

law & order: sgu – special geese unit

China is using geese to fight crime. I’m not kidding. The police are totally for it. I guess it saves them money from actually…um…having to go out and do policey stuff?

They say that the geese are “harder for criminals to neutralize than a single dog.”

Half of me says, “If I were a criminal, I might be afraid of a dog biting me with sharp teeth. If I saw a bunch of geese, I would not be afraid at all and would be fairly confident that I could take them all out pretty easily.”

The other half of me says, “That is so true! I’ve been to Stanley Park! The geese there will attack you whether you’re a criminal or not and they scare the bezeepus out of me!”

I guess if they were in my yard and they started honking, everybody would know somebody was trying to break into my house. They’d be a pretty good alarm.

Still, I’m not a criminal. And I am still scared of them. Forget a sharknado, I’d be more afraid of a goosenami.

I would hire some ninja geese to protect my home. Since mostly ninjas try to break into my apartment.

Well, I hold the Scroll of Destiny. Or is it Density? Whatever, it’s a sacred scroll. It’s in my fridge next to the hummus. I was chosen as its protector by an ancient goddess name Linda Awesome Rainbow.

It might be helpful to have some ninja geese to protect it. Preferably Canadian geese. Because, as I’m sure you know, Canada is a mecca for ninjutsu.

So, yeah. The police are hiring geese. I guess I just thought it was important for you to know that.

Also, I wanted to make sure you knew that you shouldn’t steal my scrolls. I have geese protecting them. But if you bring hummus over, now you know where to put it.

I’m off to join the geese police.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

coffee in kandahar

Our troops need coffee! Well, not our troops, but Canada’s troops!

Wait…our troops need coffee too! I’m writing this in the United States, in case you didn’t know. Canada is north of me.

I don’t know much about the military. One of the military departments called me when I started looking into college. Maybe it was the Army? National Guard? I can’t remember. But they asked if I ever thought about joining. I told them that I probably wouldn’t be too good at it.

If you ever meet me, you’ll see why. I’m not very strong. I don’t even have the potential to be strong. I told them that.

They asked me what I liked to do, so I told them that I like to write. The guy on the phone said that they have a newspaper I could work on!

Can you imagine what our military would be like if I wrote for them?! Go ahead, read a few of these “articles” I write. Now, imagine these being written for our troops.

I’m pretty sure I’d be fired. Fast. That, or the world would think we’re fighting evil lightning wizards, laserbots, and diamond dragons every week on the Death Star. (Which we are, but they’re keeping it a secret.)

Untangently speaking, Canada has a coffee chain called “Tim Hortons.” That’s Canadian for “Coffee.” It’s pretty huge there. Turns out, they put some Tim Hortons with the Canadian troops in Kandahar! They were hoping to build more of them for future missions, but a spokesperson said they were “no longer required.”

WHAT?! That doesn’t even make sense! Coffee and donuts “no longer required?” Sounds to me like the enemy has infiltrated from within!

Laserbots have taken over the Canadian military and plans on eating all the donuts and drinking all the coffee for themselves leaving the troops to be drowsy and unsugared!

Then evil will win the war! I should have done my civic duty and joined the Canadian’s military newspaper. Then this wouldn’t be happening. I’d be, like, the Lois Lane of the Canadian military. Wait…I meant to say Clark Kent. Not Lois. I really need to fix my “Backspace” button.

I’m off to enlist some coffee.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

phone home atari

There’s an urban legend of a treasure. A treasure that would make pirates scream like a giddy girl on pizza day. A treasure that would make tigers purr like kittens in teacups! A treasure that would make gold coins look like a pile of yellow underwear lint!

A landfill where it is rumored Atari dumped a bunch of cruddy video games (mostly E.T.) in 1983!

I had an Atari 2600. It rocked. I also had the E.T. video game! I’m not sure if it belonged to me or my brother. It most likely belonged to my brother because he was older and smarter and had a job building a time machine for the government when we were kids, so he had lots of money to throw around.

At least, that’s what he told me. If I disagreed, he would beat me up. I generally agreed.

I can still remember TO THIS DAY that I could NOT understand what to do in E.T. AT ALL. I guess nobody else could figure it out because it is considered one of the worst video games of all time! Atari was so embarrassed by it that they took E.T. (and possibly a bunch of other awful games) and secretly dumped them into a landfill in southern New Mexico.

The story says that 10-20 trucks FILLED with games were buried with hopes that they would just die a quiet death there.

NO SUCH LUCK! A Canadian production company is going to film a documentary with them digging through the landfill for the games! I don’t know why. I guess Canada just got the Atari 2600 and can’t find any games for it. Sometimes things happen later in Canada.

I also remember a game called Track and Field. I think it gave me carpal tunnel. You had to move the joystick back and forth REALLY fast to get your character to run. I would put my palm on the top of the joystick and shake my hand back and forth like crazy to get a good time. Like I was waving at the floor really, really fast.

I may have gotten a good score, but now my hands can’t stop shaking. The doctors say it’s a genetic disease. I say it’s post Atari stress disorder.

There’s a possibility that this is all false. Atari has never said that ANY of this is true. Hopefully it is. I would like to play Yars’ Revenge again.

I’m off to track and also field.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez