follow the food rules

New York City got a new mayor. He likes pizza. BUT! He eats it with a fork and knife!

This has caused a STIR among New Yorkers. It’s right up there with Watergate. If you add flour and salt and yeast to the Water. Like, Waterfloursaltyeastmixandletitriseuntilyouarereadytoputtoppingsonitgate.

Or, just Pizzagate. If you want to be boring.

Apparently, there are specific ways to eat food. Just like in Victorian times. No white rice after Labor Day. No elbows on the table. No fork with your pizza!

This mayor, Bill, says that he eats pizza like they do in Italy. I didn’t know if that was true, so I tried to find out by calling Italy.

Italy: Ciao.

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: Scuse?

Me: Una birra e formaggio, per favore.

Italy: È questa la cosa di pizza? Ho detto di no più chiamate!

Here’s the problem. I only know how to ask for “one beer and cheese, please” in Italian. I didn’t actually take Italian. I learned a few phrases in high school. For some reason I remember that one. I don’t even drink beer. Or eat cheese.

If I’m ever stranded in Italy, I might die.

But I AM an expert at interpreting languages, so I’m PRETTY sure that Italy said, “Do we eat pizza with utensils sometimes? You better believe your chia pet we do, mate!”

So there you go. Mayor Bill wasn’t lying. He loves Italian traditions. Like forking a pizza, eating Neapolitan ice cream, and singing opera.

Oddly enough, that’s exactly what I do when I shower in the morning.

I’m off to get a cheese beer. (yuck.)

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

phone home atari

There’s an urban legend of a treasure. A treasure that would make pirates scream like a giddy girl on pizza day. A treasure that would make tigers purr like kittens in teacups! A treasure that would make gold coins look like a pile of yellow underwear lint!

A landfill where it is rumored Atari dumped a bunch of cruddy video games (mostly E.T.) in 1983!

I had an Atari 2600. It rocked. I also had the E.T. video game! I’m not sure if it belonged to me or my brother. It most likely belonged to my brother because he was older and smarter and had a job building a time machine for the government when we were kids, so he had lots of money to throw around.

At least, that’s what he told me. If I disagreed, he would beat me up. I generally agreed.

I can still remember TO THIS DAY that I could NOT understand what to do in E.T. AT ALL. I guess nobody else could figure it out because it is considered one of the worst video games of all time! Atari was so embarrassed by it that they took E.T. (and possibly a bunch of other awful games) and secretly dumped them into a landfill in southern New Mexico.

The story says that 10-20 trucks FILLED with games were buried with hopes that they would just die a quiet death there.

NO SUCH LUCK! A Canadian production company is going to film a documentary with them digging through the landfill for the games! I don’t know why. I guess Canada just got the Atari 2600 and can’t find any games for it. Sometimes things happen later in Canada.

I also remember a game called Track and Field. I think it gave me carpal tunnel. You had to move the joystick back and forth REALLY fast to get your character to run. I would put my palm on the top of the joystick and shake my hand back and forth like crazy to get a good time. Like I was waving at the floor really, really fast.

I may have gotten a good score, but now my hands can’t stop shaking. The doctors say it’s a genetic disease. I say it’s post Atari stress disorder.

There’s a possibility that this is all false. Atari has never said that ANY of this is true. Hopefully it is. I would like to play Yars’ Revenge again.

I’m off to track and also field.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

that’s a good snack

I was thinking about going to the movies. I don’t actually go very often, but I THINK about it LOTS.

Did you know that you can buy popcorn at the movies? It’s a pretty popular choice for a movie-snack. Candy is also very popular.

And, if the movie theater is awesome, pizza, nachos, and pretzels are also popular. Actually, they pretty much have anything you could ever want there. It’s really just a food court…with movies.

Do you think they’d let me make my own snack? I kinda want to try something. I’ll buy a medium popcorn, but ask if they can put it in the large bucket. THEN! I’ll buy a bunch of candy. Like gummy bears and Skittles and M&M’s and Twizzlers and put them all in the bucket and shake it around so I have a candy/popcorn Bucket Of Fun!

Wait…why are M&M’s possessive? What do they own? I always thought one candy-coated chocolate was a single M&M and that many of them were M&Ms. But NO. They are officially M&M’s!

After hours of research, I found out for you! They are named after the guys who invented them. Mars and Murrie. So, do Mars and Murrie still claim ownership to every candy-coated chocolate in every bag we buy?

They do! The bag says “M&M’s Chocolate Candies!” I’ve been wrong all these years! I call them M&Ms, but that’s not what they are! They’re just officially Chocolate Candies!

I can’t believe I never knew this. Luckily, everybody knows what I’m looking for when I say M&M’s. If they made frozen fish or glass cleaner, it might have caused some problems in my life.

Me: “I’m in the mood for M&M’s.”

You: “To clean your mirrors? Or did you want M&M’s Fish Sticks and Custard?”

Me: “Not those! The Chocolate Candies!”

You: “Oh! Well, you should be more specific since M&M’s owns multiple items.”

Me: “I really should be. But since this conversation is imaginary, it’s not really a problem.”

Correct! It is not a problem! But, it could have been if Mars and Murrie didn’t get lazy and stop at chocolate candies.

I’m off to get a bucket of fun.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

agriculture is children

The Department of Agriculture just put out a new study. Detailing the cost of raising a child.

Because your child is agriculture! According to the government. Actually, they’re kinda right. I found out on the web of world wideness that agriculture is “the cultivation of animals, plants, fungi…used to sustain human life.”

What are babies? FUNGI! No…wait…they are human life!

And what better way to sustain human life than by actual human life!

Raising a kid is EXPENSIVE! I could never afford it. For parents making $50,000 a year, it costs about $10,000! Just for one kid!

If I had that much money to spend on somebody a year, it would NOT be for my kid! It would totally be for me! And maybe my dragon. Named unicorn.

I know what you’re thinking, “Doesn’t the Department of Agriculture have a bunch of agencies and offices?”

Yes. They do. The one that specifically calculates the cost of a child is the Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion. Leading me again to ask the question, “WHO ORGANIZED OUR GOVERNMENT?!”

Is this a way to trick people? Would you EVER think to look for children in the Department of Agriculture: Subsection: Center for Nutrition Policy and Promotion?

NO! Now if they had a Center for Candy and Awesome and Pizza and Cartoons and More Candy and Promotion and Agriculture…and Candy, THAT is where I would look for information about raising children.

In fact, I have decided to create that Department. I am also the President of that Department. You know what? I think I’ll become the Presidents of ALL the Departments! Just to help the government make more sense. Because I ALWAYS make sense.

Maybe that will give me an extra $10,000 to buy comic books for me and my dragon.

I’m off to agricult.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez