fruit cutter

I’m a fruit cutter and I’m proud to admit it!

I’ve been testing some new fruits lately, but I’m insanely lazy. I have no desire to cook or prepare food. I don’t know why people would want to do that. It takes so much time!

You know what you could be doing? SOMETHING FUN.

Well, I’ve been testing out my cutting skills on watermelons and pineapples. And guess what! I don’t mind it! I’m shocked that I’ve done this more than once. Seriously. Making food kills me.

Literally. I die every single time. Luckily, I come back to life right after it happens. It’s very strange. In my head, I imagine that everybody else hates it as much as I do.

Of course, some people tell me that I think differently than most people. I don’t believe them.

So yes! I cut large shelled fruit! Well…it’s not a shell. Peel? Rind, I guess? Why are there so many names for the fruit skin?

Like, there are orange and banana peels. For some reason, the watermelon has a “rind.” And it looks like the pineapple just calls it the skin.

Can’t we just have one name for all this stuff? Like, Fruit Shield? Or Fruit Wall? Or Annoying Part Keeping Me From Sweetness?

How did people even find out there was fruit inside? I mean, maybe a watermelon fell and broke open. But what is it about a pineapple that says, “Hey! Open me up for a sweet treat! I know I kinda look like a porcupine/hedgehog thing with funky hair, but I promise that you can touch me and not die!”

I still don’t completely trust them. When cutting a pineapple, I never know if they will just attack. It could happen! Pineapples could just be sitting there…waiting…and when we least expect it…Pina Colada Assault! Here’s manganese in your face!

That’s why I shoot my pineapples with an arrow first. From a safe distance. In the supermarket. Then bring it home.

I won’t be caught unawares. Sadly, I’m not allowed in most supermarkets anymore.

I’m off to skin the apple of pine.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

shhh…no more words

Every year people who write articles online tell me what words I should STOP using. These people claim they are “experts” in “wordology.” I am very “skeptical” of that “claim.”

I know they actually have people who read their articles. Unlike me. I don’t technically have “readers.” But really, what is “reading?” Is it the act of looking at words on a page and then remembering some of them to make some sort of coherent story?

Or is it writing a blog that is put online for the entirety of the internet to “absorb” into its collective?

I say the second one. Quotes and all.

So what word pops up on all these lists of words that we shouldn’t use anymore? YOLO!

If you are unfamiliar with it, it stands for Your Orange Looks Organic.

Wait…that’s not it. That’s just what I said to that lady in the produce section. She did NOT appreciate my compliment.

It means You Only Live Once. I think all these wordycists are upset with this phrase because it’s not true for many people.

James Bond, for example. He lived at least twice.

He likes to tweet #YOLT. Which is WAY more fun to say.

Also, Time Lords. Like The Doctor. It’s more like #YOLTTUTTLGYMRFTPDGYAUAOER

You Only Live Thirteen Times Unless The Time Lords Grant You More Regenerations From Their Pocket Dimension Giving You An Unspecified Amount Of Extra Regenerations

So, yeah, you might see that in a lot of tweets. Because, you know, it happens. I just saw it happen.

I’m off to #YOLETTMTWAHDSRANFTMTYHAKAAEM

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez

orange you glad we’re tasty

Want the tastiest hot chocolate ever? Put it in an orange mug! That’s all you have to do! You could make it with dirt and it would still taste good!

Well…that last part might not be true. The rest is! For no reason at all, researchers in Spain and England did a test. They put the same hot chocolate in four different colored mugs. Cream, orange, white, and red. The inside of the mugs were all white.

Then people tasted the hot chocolate and most people said that it tasted bestest coming from the orange mug!

I don’t know if this works with all food, but I’m going to jump to the conclusion that it does. Therefore, I’m going to open up a restaurant called “OraNgE.” I played with the shift key to make it look trendy. Because trendy places make more money. Especially ones with biggle and little letters.

My trendy restaurant will be TOTALLY ORANGE. Everything. The chairs, the tables, the plates, the silverwar…NO! Orangeware! Oh…this is going to be brilliant!

All the food will be orange too! And no, I’m not going to ONLY serve carrots and oranges. Even though those are two of my favorite foods. Wait…ah! Even the food tricked my normally keen senses! They’re both orange! No wonder I love them so much!

Nature knows how to make us eat orange things! That nature is a tricky fox.

To give people more choices, I will add orange colors to all the foods there! And you will order off an orange menu!

OH! And to get in, you must wear something orange! Another rule of trendy clubs is to have some sort of dress code. That makes you seem exclusive. And exclusivity makes people think you have something specialer than it really is. Hence: trendy.

Maybe I’ll have orange jackets people can wear if they forget orange clothes. Or clothes in general.

There was once a song by the Jon Spencer Blues Explosion called Orange. Actually, it was a whole album. I really loved that album. It tasted gre…AH! Orange got me again! Wow! That’s some good orange!

I’m off to get orangey.

Enjoy Everything.

-lopez